everyone needs a shredder
After re-reading one of E's previous entries about moving out and getting rid of all the paper in her room, I was inspired to go through a purging process myself. Unlike E though, I'm not moving out. It is just about high time I clean that damn bedroom of mine. After all, its only been 14 months and I've run out of other clean bedrooms in the house to seek refuge in.
It is true. How on earth does one human being accumulate so much paper in one lifetime? Why don't I throw this shit out and why do I insist on clinging on to seemingly useless things such as notes from my poli-sci 200 class? Ah, but then I started to review the notes and re-edumacated my ass on things such as the Meech Lake Accord. Some things, although perhaps with much more sentimentality such as notes from my Japanese friends who I met while in Nagasaki, wound up in the trash. I stopped convincing myself that I would actually sit down and write to these people again. It's been 10 years and I never kept in touch with the Japanese kids after 1996. Then there are the twisted notes my girlfriends have written to me during moments when they've been tres bored in high school science or marketing class. These are precious, albeit, very mortifying to re-read! I cannot for the life of me throw these girlfriend notes away. At least not this year!
I came upon another note written to me on the back of a cut-out of Michael Jordan and it said: "I can't read you sometimes. Maybe things between me and you would be different if I won 4 championships? J/K." And thus, I launch into another edition of Straight Out of The Vault, only this time, it's not about other people, it is actually about Bino:
T gave me this card in July 96; it was actually a belated birthday card. We use to jokingly trash talk each other b/c I was a Bulls fan and he was a Sonics fan. I rooted for Jordan while he cheered for Kemp. I told T he reminded me of Kerokerokeropi because he had a cute frog-like face (yeah, I gave such flattering compliments as a teenager). By the end of grade 12 and for the entire summer I swore we hung out every single day; like literally spent 20 hours together each day. He was nice and kind, unfortunately too nice and too kind, and back then I thought he was cute as a button but always knew he was also pretty boring because he was so very agreeable. We never officially dated or anything because I was too busy avoiding life and living in denial. After the summer was over I decided I didn't want to hang out with him anymore so instead of telling him the truth or even coming up with a big fat lie, I just decided to avoid him at all cost and not return his phone calls. He didn't do anything wrong, like I said, I was avoiding life. Funny how I morphed into this anti-social nutcase after high school.
After sitting by my bed looking at this weird card and starting to think back to my time hanging out with T, I dug out my grade 12 year book to see what he wrote. Its been so long since I've actually read what anyone wrote that I forgot the fact that T took up 14 pages of my yearbook to scribble stupid things. I shouldn't say stupid, that's not fair. After reading it through once, I thought to myself: WHOA, dude was totally in love with me, writing stuff about how he thinks of me as his best friend, how much fun he has talking on the phone with me until 5:10am every night, how cute I look when I eat Score blizzard from Dairy Queen and how close he feels to me because he can talk to me about anything. Just the usual high school lameness right? Sure, however, I got really embarrassed reading this, not because it's so bloody cheesy and corny but because it reminded me that ok, yes, he may have been way too passive and boring for my liking, but he was a really good and kind person and unfortunately, I was anything but good and kind in return. Why was I such a horrible teenager?
He also wrote "sometimes you're so sweet and sometimes I think you're really really scary, I think you need to work on the consistency of your kinder side J/K". Actually, I doubt he was just kidding about me needing to work on my kinder side. Reading this sucked; it just sucks to be reminded about how mean and rude I was to people who really didn't do anything to me other than try to be nice towards me. As weird as it may sound, I always knew that T really liked me but somehow it totally grossed me out. At 17, compliments from other people just weirded me out and I really didn't know what on earth to do with my "emotions," let alone OTHER peoples feelings for me. I chose to deal with my emotions and other people's emotions through denial and being a complete fuckface! Despite how un-cool I may have been towards T, he's always remained the nice guy and calls my house every year on June 2nd to leave me a happy birthday message. He stopped calling a couple of years ago. LOL. Don't blame him. I wouldnt want to wish me a happy birthday either, given my attitude. I thought to give T a call that day...but why? To say what? "Oh hey, sorry I was so lame and mean to you 9 years ago, take care and let's chat in another 9 years!" Right...
Anyway, I felt horrible about myself for the rest of the day but managed to clean up my room pretty good. I threw out the Michael Jordan card and part of me wanted to throw out my yearbook too but I did not. SIGH. Now, if only they made cerebral memory shredders!
It is true. How on earth does one human being accumulate so much paper in one lifetime? Why don't I throw this shit out and why do I insist on clinging on to seemingly useless things such as notes from my poli-sci 200 class? Ah, but then I started to review the notes and re-edumacated my ass on things such as the Meech Lake Accord. Some things, although perhaps with much more sentimentality such as notes from my Japanese friends who I met while in Nagasaki, wound up in the trash. I stopped convincing myself that I would actually sit down and write to these people again. It's been 10 years and I never kept in touch with the Japanese kids after 1996. Then there are the twisted notes my girlfriends have written to me during moments when they've been tres bored in high school science or marketing class. These are precious, albeit, very mortifying to re-read! I cannot for the life of me throw these girlfriend notes away. At least not this year!
I came upon another note written to me on the back of a cut-out of Michael Jordan and it said: "I can't read you sometimes. Maybe things between me and you would be different if I won 4 championships? J/K." And thus, I launch into another edition of Straight Out of The Vault, only this time, it's not about other people, it is actually about Bino:
T gave me this card in July 96; it was actually a belated birthday card. We use to jokingly trash talk each other b/c I was a Bulls fan and he was a Sonics fan. I rooted for Jordan while he cheered for Kemp. I told T he reminded me of Kerokerokeropi because he had a cute frog-like face (yeah, I gave such flattering compliments as a teenager). By the end of grade 12 and for the entire summer I swore we hung out every single day; like literally spent 20 hours together each day. He was nice and kind, unfortunately too nice and too kind, and back then I thought he was cute as a button but always knew he was also pretty boring because he was so very agreeable. We never officially dated or anything because I was too busy avoiding life and living in denial. After the summer was over I decided I didn't want to hang out with him anymore so instead of telling him the truth or even coming up with a big fat lie, I just decided to avoid him at all cost and not return his phone calls. He didn't do anything wrong, like I said, I was avoiding life. Funny how I morphed into this anti-social nutcase after high school.
After sitting by my bed looking at this weird card and starting to think back to my time hanging out with T, I dug out my grade 12 year book to see what he wrote. Its been so long since I've actually read what anyone wrote that I forgot the fact that T took up 14 pages of my yearbook to scribble stupid things. I shouldn't say stupid, that's not fair. After reading it through once, I thought to myself: WHOA, dude was totally in love with me, writing stuff about how he thinks of me as his best friend, how much fun he has talking on the phone with me until 5:10am every night, how cute I look when I eat Score blizzard from Dairy Queen and how close he feels to me because he can talk to me about anything. Just the usual high school lameness right? Sure, however, I got really embarrassed reading this, not because it's so bloody cheesy and corny but because it reminded me that ok, yes, he may have been way too passive and boring for my liking, but he was a really good and kind person and unfortunately, I was anything but good and kind in return. Why was I such a horrible teenager?
He also wrote "sometimes you're so sweet and sometimes I think you're really really scary, I think you need to work on the consistency of your kinder side J/K". Actually, I doubt he was just kidding about me needing to work on my kinder side. Reading this sucked; it just sucks to be reminded about how mean and rude I was to people who really didn't do anything to me other than try to be nice towards me. As weird as it may sound, I always knew that T really liked me but somehow it totally grossed me out. At 17, compliments from other people just weirded me out and I really didn't know what on earth to do with my "emotions," let alone OTHER peoples feelings for me. I chose to deal with my emotions and other people's emotions through denial and being a complete fuckface! Despite how un-cool I may have been towards T, he's always remained the nice guy and calls my house every year on June 2nd to leave me a happy birthday message. He stopped calling a couple of years ago. LOL. Don't blame him. I wouldnt want to wish me a happy birthday either, given my attitude. I thought to give T a call that day...but why? To say what? "Oh hey, sorry I was so lame and mean to you 9 years ago, take care and let's chat in another 9 years!" Right...
Anyway, I felt horrible about myself for the rest of the day but managed to clean up my room pretty good. I threw out the Michael Jordan card and part of me wanted to throw out my yearbook too but I did not. SIGH. Now, if only they made cerebral memory shredders!
posted by vtnn at 11:46 PM
1 Comments:
You can't be blamed for feeling a bit disgusted...I would be too if someone wrote me notes that were punctuated every few senteces with, "--J/K!"
Seriously, though, I thank you for this entry. It's true how sometimes it takes awhile to be able to face yourself. And purging of "stuff" will sometimes lead to purging of memories too.
Boo!
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