on death

went to a funeral mass for a friend's dad today. funerals are sad and i wonder, is death sad or is it the process of a funeral that is depressing? i'd be lying if i said i've never thought about how the world would mourn, moreover, if they would mourn, if i left earth. strange to be thinking about these things but who doesn't? i'd be pretty crushed if people didn't care about my passing, but in the same vein, i would be pretty crushed to know that my passing would cause sadness for the people i adore the most in this world. i don't want people to wear black at my service, how about brown? it is my favourite color, afterall.

the service was at a catholic church. then i started to think about how THE CHURCH is a house of such great happiness and joyous occasions as well as house of all things dark and morbid. we (we as in us catholics) celebrate marriage, birth, death and resurrection all under one roof. i think about the church i was in today, which also happens to be the BF's regular parish, and i think if the BF and i were to wed some day in this church, how happy of an occasion it would be for us, but for our friends B&P, who if they attended our wedding, would be faced with and re-living the memories of today. i think about these things. i've got time on my hands and i like to periodically zone out and drift into awful, awful thoughts.

another thought i had today, which is rare for me, is that i never thought i'd be so happy to be in a relationship with some other catholic. NOW, BEFORE EVERYONE FLIPS OUT, i promise this is not going to be some weird attempt to convert all my closest atheist/agnostic friends. anyone who really knows me, knows that i'm not your orthodox by the book catholic, but i'm a decent one--whatever that means, i'll leave it up to you to figure out. but catholicism has never been on my dating criteria checklist. however, today, standing next to the BF and listening to him belt out sad farewell songs, it felt nice to know that he "gets it" (it, being all-things/traditions catholic-related). it's nice to not be questioned, to not feel like i need to justify all the nonsensical things related to religious life, it's nice to be with someone who has a stronger sense of faith and hope because god knows sometimes i don't have either.

what a weird entry. i was going to end it off with a really corny joke or make sarcastic references to people i hate, but i'm not going to do that. if i die tomorrow, i'd like my last blog entry to reflect how much i dig my friends and family and am so lucky to be in their company.