like clockwork

i'm having one of those moments again. actually, multiple moments. every once in awhile, i realize that i don't know anything. like really, don't know a damn thing. E once described it as feeling as though you were not real. and i don't mean real as in j.lo's "i'm real" or hiphop urging you to "keep it real." no, when i start to feel as if i'm not real and that i don't know anything, what i mean is, i wonder if i actually have a soul or am i just a body in a continuous zombie-like state.

for the most part, i blame it on the heat. this heat is making me dellusional; causing me to think, feel, act in really bizarre and inexplicable ways. i also realized, in the midst of sweating profusely, that i don't know anything about myself anymore. i really do believe i'm crazy. all the things i thought i knew...out the window, down the toilet. i know jack shit. wonder how i ever made it this far in life without knowing anything! must be because nobody else knows anything either. do you ever have those days where you want to hide from yourself because deep down you're really afraid of all the things you will or will not do and all the people you may or may not hurt. life is insane and i need to seriously get a grip.

on another note, i'm working on this theatre project with some youth and it has been interesting/fierce/frustrating/reassuring/uplifting. i am completely in awe of one youth in particular, who is schizophrenic and not on her meds. how does a person survive the way she does? and still manage to find moments of happiness in the midst of EVERYTHING she has experienced. i am embarrassed for myself because i know i could never live what she has survived; i could never be half as graceful and appreciative of all the quirky things that makes this world go round; and i could never find enough courage to unabashedly confront my emotions the way she does. i absolutely adore this girl and i find myself hoping and praying everyday that she will live another day.

damn this heat.